Would you date or marry a disabled person?

When I was a teenager some of my wishes included- wining every argument, solve every mathematical problem, travel to wherever I want and date whoever I like. After I sustained a head injury, I still tend to win every argument, I now hate anything to do with numbers, I still can travel to wherever I want but can’t date whoever I want.

Back to the question, I often pose it to acquaintances and friends, particularly ladies. What I gathered is many answer it reticently and with careful consideration. They fear to reveal they truest opinions to try and not offend disabled people.

In my utopia or in a socially, politically & morally perfect society; I want to see more disabled people getting hitched to abled people so as to support each other. However this is the real world where many abled people avoid dating the disabled like plague, more so noticeable disabilities such as wheelchair users. One open minded European lady I met in London (Cansu) said to me “…because it can preclude a relationship” and she asked me if I want kids. “Yes of course, so that I can see part of me with no head injury and ideally I want to be espoused to someone non disabled like you” I answered with cheeky smile.

Indeed, in an idealistic world, love is all about loving the person, just the way they are (Bruno Mars). Or all about kindness, intelligence, humor, and other aspects of personality. In the real world, intimacy is a requisite to maintain relationships, where ability is deemed a paramount factor. “Expectations to perform are high… Good intimacy fuels marriages” said she. Other key aspects for keeping a relationship afloat are, mutual interests and spending time together. There is a saying which says that, a family which eats together stays together. I’m afraid the same doesn’t apply to a husband and a wife. “Having one person in a wheelchair would cause significant friction” said the lady.

From her point of view equal footing is important in a relationship. A friend of mine once said to me “it’s easier for you to find a wife because you go to church”. I told him that, wether a lady is from church or not, they naturally share the same desires, wishes and fantasies. I metaphorically added that “I have more chance of getting hitched in the house of Judah than the house of Joseph”.

Finally someone who is not afraid to state his opinions.

“When I was 21, I dated for several years, someone who was slightly disabled. I adored her personality, and she was so much stronger because of her physical condition too. When entering the relationship, I believed that it wouldn’t be much of an issue, and it really wasn’t! For many months, being together was awesome”

“However… there was so much waiting. Most activities we did together moved at a necessarily slower pace. When I walked with her, I had to cut my speed in half, and we split walks into half-hour segments for rest. She had always wanted to ice skate, but we discovered together her ankle couldn’t take it. I wished we could explore the city by bike together, but alas, no biking, no running, no hiking, no climbing… As someone who moved quickly and valued efficiency, I wondered how much of my identity I had to compromise to be with the person for whom I cared so much.

It ended for a variety of reasons, but sometime in between I admitted to both myself and to her that I was struggling to stay patient with her physical condition. Call me cruel if you’d like, but it was true, and I’m not proud of it”.

“And what if it gets worse? Illnesses have a tendency to worsen, either through natural progression or increased strain from compensating. Where are you willing to draw the line? Bedridden? Paralysis? Vegetative state? Are you going to abandon them then? You’ve heard stories about how a serious illness can tear a family apart. Dating someone in a wheelchair means willingly entering a similar situation”.

Love and Happiness

2pac said what you won’t do, do it for love meaning love is a sacrifice. Happiness as well can be defined as the fruit of what we are willing to sacrifice now. For example copying the hard work in our early lives is key to having a comfortable life in the later years. You could be young, dumb and broke as Khalid said but have the heart to persevere.

Key attributes to happiness

Positivity, brilliance and passion are some of the key attributes to create a happy life. Passion is arguably the currency of life. Find your passion and be happy, my niece pointed out that some times its hard to realise your passion. Well it’s easy to identify your passion- what do you like to do with your spare time? What do you like to read? What are your favourite tv programs and why? What are you following on social media? What makes you tick? Such questions will help you to identify your passion, find something you love to do. You can also use your passion to generate income- getting paid while doing what you love to do. Some love reggae and use it to make a living. Well some might say music takes talent, natural ability to sing. Another good example is Michael Dapaah’s (Big ShaQ) passion is to make people laugh and doggedly persevered to make a break through with the hit comedy song “mans not hot” which made him. Dapaah used to grind 9-5 at Vodafone and had enough of that life. And wanted to do something creative and interesting so he started creating comedy skits and characters like Big ShaQ

Where there is muck there is brass

However some enjoy that hard earned cash through sweat and drudgery based on the principle that the harder the money is earned the more enjoyable. In Yorkshire, UK people say “where there is muck there is brass”. The saying was coined during the industrial revolution were mining was the mainstay of the region’s economy. In general some folk desire the life constant struggle and hard work to derive derive a sense of survival and purpose.

Doing work

When you do something do it well, work is inescapable it is key to your well being. Every human, you, me and everyone around us we are built to work. To derive meaning, value, pleasure and fulfilment is to know why you are doing it and how to do it well (your mission) then it will feel less laborious. The average person works an average of 90 000 hours in their mortal life that’s a lot of hours to be miserable so developing a passion to do your craft is a panacea to boredom.

However overworking is no good it leads to stress or worse. For instance in Japan a considerable number or deaths are attributed to the working culture known as Karoshi, which can be translated literally as “overwork death” in Japanese.

Your mission is to create a sense of purpose. It could be argued that the main purpose of life is not only to be happy but to be useful to be honourable and to be compassionate as well.

Conclusion

A wholesome plan of Happiness is provided by the church The Plan of Happiness . Therefore a balance between secular and religious lifestyle is essential.